Where did my confidence go?

Confidence is something many of us wish we had a bit more of.

Confidence comes from a Latin word 'fidere' which means "to trust"; therefore, having self-confidence is having trust in one's self.

One way you can think of confidence is that it is our natural state, and things can block our confidence. The more blockages we have, the less confident we feel.

I am not saying that this is true, but it can be a useful way to think about it.

So rather than thinking about what you need to become confident, think about what is getting in the way of your confidence. What's blocking your confidence?

We have been trained to think in terms of boosting confidence. What could or does boost your confidence? It is probably smothering something that is sapping your confidence. Turn this around.

Wouldn't it be better to remove the obstacle rather than having to keep overcoming it with confidence boosters every time?

Here are [//www.alchemyassistant.com/topics/Cspn7fpBweJTcU3Q.html|some ideas on what can undermine your confidence, and what to do about it]].

Why criticism hurts

Criticism can hurt, yet feedback can be helpful. What's the difference?

Consider who will benefit.

Feedback is for the benefit of the receiver. Its purpose is to help people grow and develop, and reinforce positive behaviours.

Feedback helps us become aware of things we could do to improve, and then when we are aware...

"Not to alter one's faults is to be faulty indeed." Confucius

On the other hand, criticism always benefits the giver. It is done to make the giver feel in some way superior to the receiver, or to get their own way.

Think back to the last time you received some feedback, and the last time you were criticised.

Who benefitted?

The next time you are about to give feedback, stop and be honest about who benefits. You? Or them?

Here are some tips on how to get feedback right.

From bad to good

I saw some quotes last week that seemed related. Here they are...

"You can't be good at something unless you're willing to be bad." Ryan Reynolds (actor)

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Michael Jordan (basketball)

"It is only human nature to want to practice what you can already do well, since it's a hell of a lot less work and a hell of a lot more fun." Sam Snead (golf)

If we are bad at something, it doesn't feel good doing it, and many of us stop doing it so we don't feel bad.

If we stop doing it, we never get good at it.

So, if you want to be good at something, you need to be prepared to be bad at it first.

How you feel about being bad at something while you practice to get good at it, is your choice.

Your hero to the rescue

"John would know what to do. If only he were here right now."

Have you ever said something like that to yourself?

Next time you are in a tight spot wishing for a hero or heroine to come and save the day, conjure up that person in your mind. Make believe that they are actually present and imagine what they would suggest doing next.

They won't say "give up and go home". They would NEVER say that!

So, what would they say instead?

What happens if you follow the advice? What happens if you don't?

As you listen, realise that it is a part of you speaking, perhaps a more heroic part.

And of course, you might choose to have more than one heroic figure come to your rescue - because you can. They all have different skills and strengths that you can use.

Some even have a billowing cape and shiny underpants :-)

Here are some more tools on self-coaching.