Our part in the difficult situation

There are times when our behaviour may have created the difficult behaviour in others. Karpman’s drama triangle is a way of describing how two people might interact, without realising it, in a way that is non-productive and stressful for both.

Sometimes, parties in conflict will be entrenched in their positions and have been for years. Each will perceive the other as the problem – the difficult person.

Imagine, if you will, a triangle. At each point are roles that we may play in life. The victim stands at one corner, while the other person takes up either persecutor or rescuer position.

Each of us tends take a familiar, habitual position. So if you take up the role of victim, the other person, may step into either persecutor or rescuer mode, depending on their preference and how things progress. When this happens, it is usually out of our awareness, though it is often linked to how we learned to deal with conflict in our family.

The roles – Persecutor or Rescuer versus Victim – are portrayed in what is called a ‘psychological game’. It is called a game since both parties have to play their interlocking parts/roles and their interaction serves as a training ground for either powerlessness (victim) or being in one-up position (persecutor/rescuer).

This game avoids dealing with the problem in present-day reality and prevents psychological equality in relationships. In the end one (often both) parties get a ‘bad payoff’.

Persecutor	Rescuer	Victim
It’s all your fault. Blames Criticises Judges Keeps victim oppressed Critical controlling parent	Let me help you. Rescues when it isn’t wanted Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue Keeps victim dependent Discounts victim being able to solve problem	Poor me! Dejected Feels powerless Helpless Looks for rescuer (so can stay victim) Child behaviour Discounts own ability to solve problem
I’m OK, you’re not. I put others down to feel OK.	I’m OK, you’re not. I take on the victim’s responsibilities to feel OK.	I’m not OK, you are. I help others to feel OK.

There are some common features about this game:

• It is repetitive
• It is predictable
• There is a negative payoff.

Why is there a negative payoff?

Whichever role you fall into, the results will be negative for you and the other person.

If you are the victim, you will suffer from one or more of these consequences:

• Feeling unhappy at work and therefore stressed
• Not learning much, because feedback is taken as unfair criticism
• Career blocked because relationships with others are unhelpful and who will value and promote a victim?

If you are the rescuer, you will suffer because

• You take on someone else’s work load
• You are working for your staff rather than the other way around
• Your career is blocked because you are taking on work that isn’t yours and you can’t be spared from your current post
• You are failing to coach or give appropriate feedback, so your team aren’t learning anything
• You feel stressed and put upon.

If you are the persecutor, you will suffer because

• Your team will not be willing to discuss and learn from errors or receive feedback in a positive manner
• People will try to hide things from you (to avoid blame)
• Key point

  A game will go on as long as someone is willing to be victimised.

  Things that could have been sorted out at an early stage will tend to have grown into major problems before they come to light
• Your career will suffer because your team will be less efficient than they should/could be
• You will feel stressed, harassed and misunderstood.

How to use the drama triangle

The first step is to notice that the drama or game is being played out!

• Be alert so that you don’t become involved in the drama yourself and end up taking the payoff – the complainant, objector or other party may blame you!
• Taking a part in the drama triangle is stressful. Look out for the invitation from the other party to play this type of game.
• Use logical, rational interventions and avoid taking up the position of persecutor, victim or rescuer.
• Ask yourself if you want to be rescued, want to persecute or want to help the other person in a way that is inappropriate, in other words one that discounts their own ability to solve the problem.

Avoiding the game

If you are aware of a tendency to fall into one of these unhelpful roles, there are pages here or in other topics that might help you:

• Whichever role you are adopting, it is crucial to start behaving assertively, see Assert yourself, here, or the topic on Assertiveness
• Transactional Analysis contains useful tools that will give you insights into what is happening and how to avoid the game so you both reach the stage ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’. If you tend to fall into victim mode, perhaps you need to recognise that this is a child state and the time has come to behave like an adult and take charge of your life. You could also look at Managing Your Career, Managing Upwards, Political Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence; and be aware of the value of asking for Feedback
• If you tend to fall into persecutor or rescuer mode, see Giving and receiving feedback, or the Feedback or Coaching topics.